"You wouldn't be the first man to leave this library in a body bag."

"A librarian should be mostly woman but also part Visigoth."

"A woman, confident in her use of grammar, will split an infinitive as it suits her mood."

"I think there shouldn't be so many strings on a guitar. Six is a lot."

"I just think reading is really...important."

"As long as I have the gun, no one corrects my grammar. Get it?"

"I told the kids if they didn't behave Clifford would have to be shot. So now I have to find a big, red carcass."

"What is the difference between putting a book on reserve and asking the librarian to wear a midrif baring outfit? These are both requests made in good faith."

"I wonder if Aquaman can communicate directly with fishsticks or if the breading gets in the way."

"Please take a seat with the other semi-literate clowns."

"These are books that fondle my soul with delicate fingers."

"My favorite book is 1984. It really makes you think about a lot of things--a lot of different things. I read most of it."

"I'm in control, here. And you have to stop making fun of me."

"Sure, Ganesh is a God. But he is also an elephant with many arms...so he can relate to our problems."

"All biography is fiction and will one day be shelved accordingly."

"That's a lie. I didn't spit at anyone. Some of our patrons are . . . naturally moist."